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If you think you are being modest and humble by trying to please people, then think again. Are you doing this for the sake of love and attention or does it really make you happy? Well, if it’s love and care you are seeking like this, then you might have a real problem on your hands. Because always trying to please people comes at the cost of your mental well-being.
Don’t worry though, because we’ve got help! Dr Ramon Llamba, renowned life coach and founder of Golden Age Transformation, is here to tell you how to get out of this self-knitted trap and take care of your mental health.
So let’s begin
Why do people feel the need to please others?
Dr Llamba suggests that being nurtured and loved is our core survival need. “For some people, pleasing others becomes a coping mechanism. They go out of the way to please others. They do it to seek attention, love, and care which might be MIA in the earlier years of their life,” she explains. “After a while it becomes a pattern and before they know it, becomes a tendency.”
However, the problem starts when they don’t get anything in return. “They might have expectations, and if they aren’t fulfilled then they get stuck in complain mode. And this leads to major stress,” she adds.
Needless to say, constantly trying to please others isn’t great for your mental health
If you are doing it without any expectations, then it’s a different matter altogether. If not, then you might yourself be completely stressed. Your brain also goes in denial mode and keeps justifying your behaviour.
“Such people tend to seek acceptance and approval. They become insecure in relationships. They think if they won’t act good then, no one will love them”, Dr Llamba says.
Sadly, this negative behaviour also segues into self-bashing mode. This leads to a buildup of internal pressure and can lead to mental health disorders.
“Attention disorder, depression, and bipolar disorder are some of the most common mental health problems seen with people who have the habit of pleasing others,” she says.
Recognising your people pleasing tendencies is the first step to get out of the habit
Yes, one can totally tell whether you indulge in people pleasing or not by identifying any of these three traits:
1. If you are constantly complaining
If you are complaining and cribbing constantly, seeking acknowledgement, and feel deprived–then this could be a big sign.
2. If you don’t know how to set boundaries
“Such people don’t set healthy boundaries. They spend too much of their energy and time on other people and then expect the same. Due to this, they feel depleted, tired, and emotionally deprived. The harsh truth is, emotional begging is one of the major traits of such people,” she explains.
3. You feel too attached
Especially if this attachment is bordering on being clingy, then you have a problem.
You can always do damage control and look out for yourself
Here’s how you can start
1. Create self awareness and be mindful
You can meditate and do deep breathing exercises as they help you introspect. When you think straight, things become much clearer to you. You realize what’s right and what’s not.
2. Practice self-love
Healing yourself and understanding your story is your job. And you need to understand that no one will do it for you. “It’s a lot of self-work but it is very much needed,” she says.
3. Get a mentor
If you aren’t able to figure out where exactly you are going wrong then don’t hesitate in seeking help. A life coach can help you identify your problem(s) and help you work on them.
“I would like to say that it’s not other people’s job to love you. You need to love and prioritize yourself. You need to stop expecting from others and fall in love with yourself all over again. You need to learn to introspect. It’s you who has to manage yourself because frankly no one can love you the way you can love yourself,” Dr Llamba says.
“Another thing that you need to learn is stop blaming others and work on yourself. We are a little distorted, but it is your responsibility to identify that. So, fill yourself up first and then give it back to the world,” she concludes.