Anxiety and depression kept me from pursuing my dream of becoming a doctor

This story has been submitted by The Happy Company, on behalf of Nikitha Bommakanti.

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I had created my world—a little bubble of friends, family, school, and home. Everything was going great until I got my board results. The only goal I had was to become a doctor. But when the ultimate time to try out for medical colleges came, I trembled.

Besides the fear of failing, I was scared to be around new people. The worst part was that I was unfamiliar with the words socialising, life, and anxiety. I endured anxiety but lacked a sense of communicating it. I went months without talking to anyone, constantly whining for hours, requesting my grandpa to save me. My family spent hours trying to know the reason, and all I uttered was, “I am scared”.

That’s when I sought help

I consulted a psychiatrist. Though the one-year medication helped me, my career was put on hold. I was forced to take a seat in the commerce stream. I had to switch because my mental health was not in the right state to continue pursuing science—oblivious of the year-long break I would have to take.

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The biggest cliche of visiting a doctor is that we expect instant results. I reached a point where giving up on life seemed reasonable to me rather than confronting new people daily. I spent half of my college life in the vice principal’s office.

Crying in the washroom, running away from class, pounding heartbeat during assembly, flowing tears when asked if I was doing fine, writing a suicide letter instead of notes… I went through all of it. I passed my intermediate with more than 80%, but pursuing a degree still felt difficult.

I pushed myself to identify my triggers

I decided to make real efforts this time. I have taken help from my friends, and I am very glad to have been around supportive people. I am forever grateful to my family and friends.

But ultimately, it is me who has helped myself this time out of depression and anxiety. I still feel anxious in places and phases that I am expected to encounter. I keep falling, failing, and trying.