It was about wanting to end pain within me: An author opens up about self-harm thoughts

As someone who has battled with self-harm and experienced suicidal thoughts, I know that it is a very difficult topic to talk about. However, I am completely open to sharing my hardship on this subject as I know it will help someone who is experiencing the same thing.

At one point, I was experiencing very dark thoughts about suicide. I realised that it wasn’t so much about ending my life but wanting to end the pain I felt within me. I wanted to finish my pain so badly that I considered ending my life in the process as the only solution.

Therapy for suicidal thoughts

Instead of entertaining those dark thoughts, I chose to call my therapist Dr Jennie and we had a much-needed session which brought me to a place of reconciliation with myself.

Here is a crucial part of how our conversation went:

Devina: “Earlier today I wanted to kill myself.”

Dr Jennie: “So what did you end up doing?”

Devina: “I recognized what I was going through, so I had a big meal, gave thanks to myself, and cried myself to sleep.”

Dr Jennie: “That’s a good girl, Devina. I hope you can recognize that you only wanted to kill the part of yourself that you did not like and not all of yourself.”

Breaking down the suicidal thoughts

The session with Dr Jennie proved to be the most therapeutic of all my sessions with her. What I did not like most about myself in that moment was how unkind I was to myself, how I hated myself and above that, how ashamed I felt about wanting to end my pain. It was so, so bad. My gosh, how can someone like me who has everything going in her life even want to consider killing herself?

Where do all these thoughts even come from? Are they old memories? Are they a part of our subconscious mind?

Frankly, I don’t know the answer to the ‘why’ questions anymore. All I want to do is heal from all the parts of me that hurt so bad.

Also Read: This is the reason why some people are at a greater suicide risk than others

Helping others with suicidal thoughts

With all these taboo thoughts running through my mind, I also heard a voice coming from within me. My intuition was asking me to write a book to help others who may be in the same position as I was and were feeling the same negative feelings that I was experiencing.

Our intuition is a very powerful tool that exists within each of us! The more we listen to it, the stronger and sexier it gets and because of listening to inner wisdom our spiritual confidence increases exponentially. This is what happened to me! In 2020 my first book ‘Too Fat Too Loud, Too Ambitious’ got published and sexybrilliant.com became a non-profit organization. At the organization, we are committed to removing toxic shame, the shame of not being good enough, the shame of not loving your body for how it is, and the shame of struggling with mental health. Anything that has kept you from feeling brilliantly sexy.

Also Read: Save a life! Read these signs for suicide prevention

The last words

I have come to the realisation that there is no way that I actually want to end my life, and neither should anyone else. By honouring all the emotions, including the darkest ones such as self-harm thoughts, we can bring so much more equilibrium to life. It helps us to understand where we are and what we need to heal to find ourselves again. Remember that no part of you is your own enemy.

When we know who we are, and practice radical self-acceptance for all parts of ourselves, we can live in awareness of what it is that makes us feel whole and complete again. Self-knowledge leads to more self-acceptance, and self-acceptance leads to more spiritual confidence. That confidence increases our inner wealth that allows us to feel sexy and brilliant no matter what we go through.