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Are you too attached to your partner? Here are 3 tips to remember

Published on:25 January 2021, 19:12pm IST
Your relationship is an important part of your life, but it cannot define you. Here are a few tips to remember if you have an unhealthy attachment with your partner.
Jyotsna Ahuja Kapoor
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forgive
Practice self-love, always! Image courtesy: Shutterstock
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Many of us would have heard of the topics that are considered taboo for table manners and social gatherings. Polite conversation diktats clearly state that politics, religion and sex are not to be discussed at formal social gatherings. However, another silent contender for the list is relationships. People discuss other people’s relationships, however in a covert manner, because of this unwritten rule. Other people’s relationships then very often become the topic of hot gossip. 

On a side note, gossiping about another is very often a common form of bonding amongst people, who would rather deflect the attention, before their personal demons come under the spotlight. 

Given this inordinate pressure that comes from social scrutiny, a relationship willy nilly becomes a significant pillar of one’s social life and of course one’s personal life for sure. 

Leaning on relationships

Many people rely on having a relationship to help them deal with most, if not all, of life’s pressures and stressors. They believe that a partner is their single most critical go-to when things go wrong. Unfortunately what this also translates into as a consequence, is that whenever things go wrong, they also blame the partner for not doing enough, for not listening enough, for not caring enough and ultimately for not being enough. The last, often if not almost always, becomes the ultimate deal-breaker

for the relationship, or worse, baggage for the next. 

unhealthy attachment
If you and your partner work together, you can salvage your relationship. Image courtesy: Shutterstock

In case you somehow find yourself and/or your partner in a situation that resembles this, here are a few tips on how to deal with excessive (and unhealthy) dependence on a partner 

1. Codependency versus interdependence

In any mutually symbiotic relationship, both partners benefit from each other’s presence in their lives. While this is always a primary benefit of any relationship, what mars the health of the equation is when one or both partners believe that they can’t do and are nothing without the other. Not true

Only when you are whole, can you contribute to a relationship; else you are just feeding off one another. This is called co-dependence. 

Interdependence on the other hand is when two whole partners come together to contribute equally and synergistically to each other, in a holistic way. You don’t need the person to survive, but you would very much desire them to be a significant part of your life. This is the healthy functional aspect of any relationship. 

2. Balance the pillars:

Any relationship thrives when the people in it are balanced. Being balanced – just like the pillars of a house – means that you find your sustenance and wellness from not just one source, namely your partner, but also from other external sources like say work, exercise, friends, hobbies etc.

Anything where you can also derive joy without the partner being present. When you spend time fulfilling these contentment-bringing avenues, trust me you are so much more well-rounded and balanced as a person. Long story short, this ultimately makes us feel so much more desirable in the relationship.

unhealthy attachment
An emotionally healthy relationship is all about being real. Image courtesy: Shutterstock
3. Intimacy is always a level above

Quite a few people define intimacy as being just physical. Unfortunately, that’s where they stumble the maximum in their understanding or definition of what a true partnership is all about. True partnerships will never exclude mental intimacy to begin with.  

No partner – however fabulous – is worth it, if the two of you cannot speak your mind freely and respectfully. When this fundamental dynamic has been achieved, emotional intimacy as the next step is a given. How you feel can be freely discussed in front of the other, and hence a greater level of trust is formed. Physical intimacy then finally becomes the stuff dreams are then made of. 

It is of great value to be as unique and individualistic as you are in a relationship, without the fear of being abandoned or incomplete. No relationship can survive healthily in the long term if these basic requisites remain unfulfilled. 

Jyotsna Ahuja Kapoor Jyotsna Ahuja Kapoor

Jyotsna Ahuja Kapoor is the founder of The White Space, a personal counsellor, and transformational coach.