Every relationship should have its set of boundaries – whether it is a romantic bond or with parents, relatives and friends. Boundaries are basically guidelines communicated to protect the emotional, physical and overall health of everyone. They outline needs dictating what behaviours and treatment are acceptable versus the ones that could be deal-breakers. By outlining individual rights, responsibilities and limits openly through clear boundaries, people can foster healthy relationships while restricting toxic behaviour. So, here’s how to set boundaries with friends and why it is important.
Boundaries are essential in any close relationship, including friendship, says psychotherapist, life and business coach Dr Chandni Tugnait.
Follow these tips to set boundaries with friends.
Spend time getting clear on your core values, communication preferences, social battery limits, sensitivities, and other personal parameters important to your well-being, so you can articulate them clearly when establishing boundaries.
Before discussing the boundary, reassure your friend about how much you value their friendship. This frames the conversation as a caring move to improve the relationship rather than critique them.
When expressing the boundary, use “I feel, I need, I prefer” statements rather than accusatory “you” statements. This reduces defensiveness in the listener, the expert tells Health Shots.
Request specific observable changes in enabling behaviours rather than demand vague personality changes or mindset shifts. For example, asking a friend to give you a heads up before discussing triggering issues is more realistic than insisting that they stop being inconsiderate.
Have a two-way discussion allowing space for your friend to share their perspective and motives with empathy while still asserting your reality. Finding the win-win demonstrates you believe multiple experiences can coexist.
Understand that some boundary shifts require a period of adjustment. Be patient but firm if small violations occur at first. Give time and gracefully clarify the boundary again if needed.
If they respect the new boundary, express sincere gratitude at their consideration and effort. Positive reinforcement strengthens continuity.
Follow up promptly if boundary violations recur in a pattern, like taking a friendship break to underline seriousness. Don’t allow dismissal or enable harmful behaviour in yourself or friends by failing to intervene.
You don’t have to get into endless debates over who is right or wrong. If friends repeatedly cannot align with explicit needs, release the bond with care.
Part amiably when chronic breaches combined with resistance to accountability signals a gap in values so fundamental that enabling it perpetually destabilises your health and self-respect. Recognise when it is time to walk away, while still holding respect and care in your heart.
The most common reasons friends struggle to respect boundaries boil down to maturity and emotional intelligence deficits, says Dr Tugnait. Some lack self-awareness and refuse to take responsibility for how their behaviour affects others. They avoid accountability through dismissal or arguments rather than adjusting conduct when called out.
Others understand their own needs well, but fail to extend empathy towards less familiar personalities and communication styles in friends. There is resistance to moving at another’s pace. Often, silently expecting friends to mind-read unvoiced hopes and then punishing them when those hopes are unmet breeds resentment that sabotages respect.
Insecure friends also use manipulation tactics out of fear rather than engaging in constructive conflict literacy to reconcile different needs. When ego protection matters more than partnership to such people, they forfeit the courage and care required to set boundaries wisely. Consent gets overridden by self-absorption and power plays for some, even in friendships.
If your friend doesn’t respect boundaries, you can take some steps.
Reassert the violated boundary clearly. Use empathetic language but be direct about the hurt caused and state the specific change desired without making any accusations. If they repeatedly violate stated needs, the friendship’s foundation needs re-evaluating.
Through non-judgmental communication, uncover why they struggle with this boundary. Sometimes, mismatched personalities unintentionally trigger each other, or past trauma breeds reactivity. If self-awareness exists, constructive compromise is possible.
If understandable triggers contribute to violations, kindly offer support while creating accountability plans to intercept unhealthy behaviours in the future before enabling harm. Offer resources and propose boundaries around your level of involvement.
To condition new habits follow through on proportional consequences when violations continue, says the expert. For example, temporarily limit contact, decline activities vulnerable to repeat harm until there is improvement.
When fundamental lifestyle differences or reluctance towards accountability reaches irreconcilable levels, letting go respectfully preserves your peace without attacking the other for incompatible worldviews from unhealed wounds.
You can fill the void by seeking compatible company aligned with your values. Build closer ties with people who uplift you through considerate, communicative care.
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