4 signs you’re losing yourself in your relationship and committing the sin of de-selfing

A healthy relationship requires effort. But when you start compromising on what you want or prefer for your partner, you start dabbling in de-selfing. Here’s what you need to know about this phenomenon.
Are you giving up on your interests to make your partner happy? Image courtesy: Shutterstock
Grace Bains Published: 28 Dec 2020, 13:40 pm IST
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Falling in love doesn’t take much but ensuring that your relationship stays strong is definitely something that requires consistent effort. There are certain compromises both you and your partner will have to make in order to stay together. 

But, what happens when you’re the one making all the changes? A lot of things seem normal, when you look at your relationship with those rose-tinted glasses, but ask yourself if giving up on your own personality to save your relationship is actual love?

Well, we all want to find a partner who likes us for all our quirks and habits, but at times, we’re so in love that we don’t mind changing our personality to make our partner happy. But, this eventually leads to de-selfing. From hobbies to our choice of movies, we try to change our whole personality for the sake of our relationship, but unfortunately, lose ourselves in the process.

Here are four signs that you’re losing yourself for the sake of your relationship and committing the sin of de-selfing:

1. Giving up your hobbies to please your partner

Our hobbies are a very important part of our personality. Some of us are fitness freaks and sign up for yoga classes or that gym membership. Many also are on the constant lookout for art workshops over the weekend. Our hobbies are essentially activities that interest us and add to our self-esteem by enhancing our sense of achievement.

Also, read: Following your passion outside work might be taxing, but is key to your mental health

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Don’t lose yourself while pleasing your partner. Image courtesy: Shutterstock

Moreover, we often meet people with interests similar to ours by pursuing our hobbies, and it helps us build a community that we can lean on for support. The problem arises when your partner isn’t interested in any of your hobbies and interests. You feel torn between doing what you want to do while also figuring out how to do things as a couple.

Eventually, you’ll stop pursuing your own hobbies, or reduce their practice. This may not seem serious but is actually you giving up on a part of your personality for your relationship.

2. Not spending time with family and friends to spend time with your partner

We all have only a limited amount of time and energy. So, we distribute it equally between our friends, family and relationship. Now, a relationship which requires so much effort often ends up eating into the time and energy we have for others. This happens primarily because your partner isn’t making an effort to assimilate himself/herself into your life.

So, you end up carrying the burden of doing things of their liking, to ensure you’re bonding as a couple. From hanging out only with their friends to signing up for hobbies they’re interested in, de-selfing often leaves you with very little time to spend time with your friends and family. This results in you losing your support network.

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3. Feeling accountable for your partner’s responsibilities

The toxic notion that ‘two people become one’ when they’re in love is very wrong. You can be supportive of your partner, but you can’t and should not be expected to take on their responsibilities. Helping them out once in a while is absolutely alright, but doing their share of work is crossing a boundary. This could range from something relatively small like doing their laundry to something as major as paying their bills.

Maybe it’s to reflect and remember where it went wrong. Image Courtesy : Shutterstock
4. A strong sense of burnout in the relationship

This shouldn’t come across as a surprise at all! Burnout is simply a state of extreme exhaustion that just can’t be shaken off. It is usually associated with work environments because the professional world is quite stressful. But, it can be applied to relationships too, which are extremely stressful and require you to do more than you can. You may put up with this burden out of love and the desire to save your relationship, but it will definitely end up with you feeling drained constantly.

Ladies, never lose yourself in the name of love! Someone who loves you will never expect you to change.

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About the Author

Grace is someone who likes writing enough to make a living out of it. When she isn’t writing, you will find her having chai and reading a book. ...Read More

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